sponge
two days ago, i met a person i haven't met for a year. we sat down, and she talked for 4 hours about her problems. as some of them sounded familiar to mine, i could comprehend and give some honest opinions. i thought we had a good time. however, it's been two days and i only started to feel less heavy about it.
i felt like a sponge.
things like this happened a lot in my history. as i felt sorry for the other person, i couldn't stop them. plus i didn't know how i felt at those times. i do now. as much as i feel for the other person, i don't think being a sponge, even a knowledgeable one, is gonna help both of us.
when i have coffee with someone, i want to have a good time. i want to talk about coffee, the weather, books, movies, music, travel plans. how each of us is enjoying our life. not about those emotional issues that one can dump on anyone willing to listen and understand. not me messing up with my own managed-and-stored history just to find a way to connect with the other, and going home alone with a mixed mess after that.
things in one's inner world, are private, separated, and shouldn't be accessed with just a knock on the door, a casual question. i should neither say it nor hear it easily. i don't want to. if anything, i want to keep that beautiful complex of a journey for myself. talking about one piece of it isn't fun, and talking about all of it is not at all possible. word isn't my strong suit.
so, next time if anyone talks to me like that, i will nod, smile with the best mean of it, i hope they find time to rest, and change the topic, let's do something we can both enjoy together! if they insist, they might need to find someone else. and for first-met people, i don't think there'll be personal sharing at all. even if they ask, i no longer feel the need to entertain anyone or keep up the chat. i will just answer moderately.
things are more than words.
when i came to this feeling, i could finally process to the lightness of the time we had. photograph of a foreign cafe nested under a giant tree, good drinks, yellow lighting in a cloudy day, and how companionship was actually felt in the last minutes, when we looked at my crafts, took a walk, and talked just some random things.
well, everything takes time. i will need a few more good sleeps. this morning i have sweet potato and green sticky rice with shredded coconut and lotus seeds. i steam them all and make a hot instant coffee. bring my breakfast along with digital gadgets to the rooftop, sit down on a hammock and feel the autumn wind. lots of good manga to read around, and i have my craft ideas too. i did think about math class for today, so now i'm a bit... hmmm
alright i will finish just this first volume of Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle.
.
update: math a bit afternoon. good time.